Best and Worst

Cambodia brought out the best and worst in me.

I've always said that I Cambodia is my new home.  And a statement like that only means you are happy where you are.

I am happy in Cambodia - with occasional bouts of emotional distress.  

Over the years, these things do not outweigh the happiness and fun I am experiencing here in Phnom Penh. 

Except now.

I didn't think that I would be this hard core in applying in every company I can just to get out of the country I've grown to love. Not that I want to leave Cambodia.  

I want to start anew.

Here in Cambodia, I've become myself, my true self - the real me. You know what I mean.  That in itself is, I would say, the best thing that's ever happened to me because I found real happiness.  

It showed through also with how I interact well with people and even at work.  I've become my best because showing the real you gives you a sense of liberty. So you go all out. You give your everything at work, without any hesitations, without hiding anything.  Therefore, you see better results.  I think, in that aspect, I've become a better version of myself.

However, becoming that though made me more vulnerable and ultra-sensitive - and I am already very sensitive as a person to begin with. Being new in the arena, I made the worst acts.  I said the worst things.  

In other words, I made the wrong moves.

I'm not making being a neophyte as an excuse but it would have been a great help if I had more experiences from before and therefore, made more calculated moves.

But then again, that's life.  I win some, I lose some.  You're up and then suddenly you're down.  I stumble and I just have to pull myself up and move on to the next exciting thing that I may not know is just waiting around the corner.

I am trying be mature and imbibing the mantra of "FAKE IT, TILL YOU MAKE IT!" so that no dramas and that I appear mature.  I want to appear mature despite my friends telling me its not a good thing. I think I can fake it until this feeling goes away.  It's me being strong.    

In conclusion, I am the worst now, I must admit. But the best thing about me is that I'm hiding it.

So, no one feels awkward.  No one feels affected.  No one involved.

Except myself battling a war inside until one side wins.

And let's leave it like that. For now.